My complaint about Mr. Jon Doe

I've been doing a lot of meditating and praying lately, and this has helped me collect my thoughts and organize them into the letter you're about to read. Without going into all the gory details, let's just say that sanctimonious spielers often take earthworms or similar small animals and impale them on a pin to enjoy watching them twist and writhe as they slowly die. Similarly, Mr. Jon Doe enjoys watching respectable people twist and writhe whenever he threatens to con us into believing that a plausible excuse is a satisfactory substitute for performance. He expresses hostile odium toward anyone who intends to hone in on his faults with laser-like precision. Of course, it's not quite that simple. He's unhappy that people like me want to discuss the relationship among three converging and ever-growing factions—pernicious clunks, disrespectful, intolerant rascals, and incorrigible, bloody-minded scumbags. Such cavils notwithstanding, if he sincerely believes that you and I are objects for him to use then casually throw away and forget like old newsprint that's performed its duty catching bird droppings then he must be smoking something illegal.

Here, I am merely trying to advance the opinion that Mr. Doe has been making a ham-handed effort to show that I'm some sort of cully who can be duped into believing that governments should have the right to lie to their own subjects or to other governments. I'm guessing that most people are starting to realize that such claims are a distortion of the truth and that we desperately need to combat these lies by investigating Mr. Doe's wretched principles, ideals, and objectives. I call upon him to stop his oppression, lies, immorality, and debauchery. I call upon him to be a man of manners, principles, honour, and purity. And finally, I call upon him to forgo his desire to start wars, ruin the environment, invent diseases, and routinely do a hundred other things that kill people.

Mr. Doe can't seriously believe that masochism is a viable and vital objective for our nation's educational institutions, can he? I confess that I don't know the answer to that question. I do know, however, that Mr. Doe is careless with data, makes all sorts of causal interpretations of things without any real justification, has a way of combining disparate ideas that don't seem to hang together, seems to show a sort of pride in his own biases, gets into all sorts of huffy speculation, and then makes no effort to test out his speculations—and that's just the short list! He possesses no significant intellectual skills whatsoever and has no interest in erudition. Heck, he can't even spell or define "erudition", much less achieve it.

Mr. Doe has been trying to conceal his plans to excoriate attempts to bring questions of propagandism into the (essentially apolitical) realm of pedagogy in language and writing. Fortunately, the truth about his offensive perorations is spreading like a jungle fire. Soon, everyone will know that Mr. Doe has made it known that he fully intends to deface property with racially and sexually derogatory epithets and offensive symbols. If those words don't scare you, nothing will. If they are not a clear warning, I don't know what could be.

Mr. Doe has certainly never given evidence of thinking extensively. Or at all, for that matter. He thinks it would be a great idea to create a world without history, without philosophy, without science, without reason—a world without beauty of any kind, without art, without literature, without culture. Even if we overlook the logistical impossibilities of such an idea, the underlying premise is still flawed. For many people, Mr. Doe's ghastly ebullitions have caused substantial pain and suffering, mental anguish, emotional distress, post-traumatic stress, sleeplessness, indignities and embarrassment, degradation, injury to reputation, and restrictions on personal freedom. Whew! The only thing they haven't yet caused, surprisingly, is a greater realization that my general thesis is that Mr. Doe labels anyone he doesn't like as "foul-mouthed". That might well be a better description of him. I'll talk a lot more about that later, but first let me finish my general thesis: People often get the impression that namby-pamby Fagins and Mr. Doe's forces are separate entities. Not so. When one catches cold, the other sneezes. As proof, note that I'm convinced that Mr. Doe will mortgage away our future by next weekend. No, I'm not in tinfoil-hat land; I have abundant evidence from reliable sources that this is the case. For instance, our real enemies are not people living in a distant land whose names we don't know and whose culture we don't understand. Our real enemies are Jon Doe and all others who let advanced weaponry fall into the hands of the most satanic tricksters you'll ever see.

Mr. Doe and his brethren are, by nature, impractical bums. Not only can that nature not be changed by window-dressing or persiflage, but Mr. Doe represents a new breed of parvanimous lackluster-types. I submit that everyone should stop and mull that assertion. Then, people will understand why I wouldn't judge Mr. Doe's habitués too harshly. They're just cannon fodder for Mr. Doe's plot to glorify malodorous barbarians. To be honest, it's not necessarily difficult to provide a trenchant analysis of Mr. Doe's values. We can begin simply by setting the stage so that my next letter will begin from a new and much higher level of influence. See? I told you it wasn't necessarily difficult. We just need to remember that Mr. Doe, in his hubris, has decided that he has the right to replace our timeless traditions with his shameless, patronizing ones. Okay, that was a facetious statement. This one is not: We must put our religious and factional differences aside if we are ever to name and shame his legatees for their dirty acts of Marxism. And here, I assert, lies a clue to the intellectual vacuum so gapingly apparent in his solutions.

Unfortunately, Mr. Doe's conceited, ill-bred stances neglect to take one important factor into consideration: human nature. How did Mr. Doe get so prurient? I have my theories, but they're only speculation. At any rate, we have much to fear from him. Personally, I'm afraid that by the next full moon, he'll impale us on a Morton's Fork: Either we let him enslave us, suppress our freedom, regiment our lives, confiscate our property, and dictate our values, or he'll convince impressionable young people that arriving at a true state of comprehension is too difficult and/or time-consuming. Regardless of which we choose, Mr. Doe is a very power-hungry little man. In fact, I have said that to Mr. Doe on many occasions, and I will keep on saying it until he stops giving an air of scientific impartiality to biased judgments. If it were up to him, schoolchildren would be taught reading, 'riting, and racism.

The facts as I see them simply do not support the false but widely accepted notion that things have never been better. Even if Mr. Doe's facts were reliable, they were gathered selectively and then manipulated towards favored conclusions. Call me sinister if you'd like; I will still do everything in my power to launch an all-out ideological attack against the forces of sectarianism. Then, I will announce to the world that one of Mr. Doe's most loyal cat's-paws is known to have remarked, "Mr. Doe was chosen by God as the trustee of His wishes and desires." And there you have it: a direct quote from a primary source. The significance of that quote is that Mr. Doe exhibits an air of superiority. You realize, of course, that that's really just a defense mechanism to cover up his obvious inferiority.

It may seem at first that Mr. Doe often uses the phrase, "Studies show that…", to introduce statements that wind up being chiefly about ideology, hunch, or preference. When we descend to details, however, we see that his flacks often reverse the normal process of interpretation. That is, they value the unsaid over the said, the obscure over the clear. If I, for one, weren't so forgiving, I'd have to say that perhaps one day we will live in a world where good people are not troubled by fear of crass, capricious upstarts. Until that day arrives, however, we must spread the word that the very genesis of Mr. Doe's ignominious teachings is in exclusivism. And it seems to me to be a neat bit of historic justice that he will eventually himself be destroyed by exclusivism.

Please keep in mind that Mr. Doe floats with the tide of hypocritical, flighty Bourbonism, especially when driven by the gravitational pull of Pyrrhonism. His few positive contributions will continue to be overshadowed by his broader message of hate. (The merits of his recommendations won't be discussed here because they lack merit.) What obscene thing is he going to do next? Make higher education accessible only to those in the higher echelons of society? Dismantle the family unit? Assuage the hungers of his emissaries with servings of fresh scapegoats? In any case, I apologize for giving Mr. Doe these ideas, but he recently began making us less united, less moral, less sensitive, less engaged, and more perversely vainglorious. Once again, he has made a mockery of his pledge not to be so vagarious. It's too bad that Mr. Doe lacks the decency to admit that he should stop telling everyone that his convictions are innovative. More apt words for them might be "static" or "stale" or perhaps even the phrase, "been done" with the possible addition, "too often." What I'm getting at is that we need to keep our eyes on Mr. Doe. Otherwise, he'll burn books as soon as our backs are turned. If that thought doesn't send chills down your spine then you are dead to the love of freedom. The rest of us are concerned that Mr. Doe has commented that mediocrity is a worthwhile goal. I would love to refute that, but there seems to be no need, seeing as his comment is lacking in common sense. Although I've spent most of this letter criticizing Mr. Jon Doe, let me end by stating simply that Mr. Doe has no concern for the common good.